Written by: Deepika Sathish
Published on: 25/01/2026
“Why do I get so anxious when someone doesn’t reply to my message? Why do I pull away just when a relationship starts to feel close? Why do I keep repeating the same patterns, even when I promise myself I won’t ?”. These were the questions people often carried into the counselling room. They believe something was “wrong” with them. But what they slowly learned in therapy was that many of these patterns were not flaws—they were attachment styles. Understanding this changed how they saw themselves and how they related to others.
Understanding Attachment Styles: The Emotional Blueprint
Attachment styles refer to the way we relate to others emotionally, especially in close relationships. These styles develop early in life, based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional needs. When care was consistent and supportive, we learned that relationships are safe. When care was unpredictable, distant, or overwhelming, we adapted in ways that helped us survive emotionally. These early adaptations become our attachment styles. They are not conscious decisions, and they are not character flaws. They are learned emotional responses that once made sense in our early environment.
Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
Secure attachment is often experienced as a quiet sense of emotional safety in relationships. Individuals with this style generally feel comfortable with closeness, can communicate their needs openly, handle conflicts without fear, and trust that relationships won’t disappear overnight. They are able to balance independence and connection. Importantly, secure attachment does not mean a person never feels hurt or insecure—it means they have the ability to self-soothe, seek support appropriately, and repair relationships when difficulties arise. In therapy, this style is often the goal, not because it is “perfect,” but because it is flexible and resilient.
Anxious Attachment: When Fear Drives Connection
Anxious attachment develops when emotional care was inconsistent—sometimes available, sometimes not. As adults, this can show up as overthinking, seeking constant reassurance, fear of abandonment, and heightened sensitivity to changes in relationships. People with anxious attachment often care deeply and invest heavily, but their nervous system stays on high alert. This fear didn’t come from the present relationship alone; it came from earlier experiences of inconsistency. It is important to help individuals understand that their anxiety is not weakness; it is a learned response rooted in uncertainty.
Avoidant Attachment: Fear of Dependence
Avoidant attachment often forms when emotional needs were dismissed, ignored, or discouraged. Individuals learn to rely on themselves and minimize emotional dependence. As adults, this can appear as discomfort with intimacy, emotional withdrawal, or prioritizing independence over connection. Avoidant individuals are often misunderstood as cold or detached, but clinically, their behaviour reflects a deep belief that closeness is risky. Therapy focuses on helping them gradually tolerate emotional closeness without feeling overwhelmed or trapped.
Moving Toward Healing and Change
Attachment styles are not fixed labels; they are patterns that can change. With awareness, therapy, and emotionally safe relationships, individuals can develop more secure ways of relating. Healing involves learning to recognize emotional triggers, regulate the nervous system, and communicate needs more clearly. As a psychologist, I often remind clients that understanding attachment is not about blaming the past—it is about gaining insight, compassion, and choice. When we understand our attachment style, we stop reacting automatically and begin responding consciously. That awareness alone can transform relationships.
